Just a short note to make my several now-regular readers aware of something that I've had mentioned to me and also put a fair amount of thought into.
The nature of this blog is one I am writing for ultimately my own therapy. As I progress in my writings, I will - for my own sake - have to at least touch upon more sensitive matters. As I said, one reader has queried me to whether I will cover anything particularly graphic - and after considerable thought - my answer is NO.
I will NOT be discussing graphic or physical details regarding to casualties and the deceased of the fire. My reasoning is as follows...
I firmly believe there is, frankly, little benefit I can obtain from graphic descriptions of my dealing with the casualties. Quite honestly, although I can still picture it as clear as yesterday - I cannot find words to describe those encounters. There is no need for physical details in those events - it will not help me as I'll be forcing myself to speak of something I feel I may never be able to speak of.
That doesn't mean I don't think about it...every so often, there are some images that are permanently burned into my mind that make a reappearance. Sometimes triggered - for instance, by the smell of smoke or an event. Sometimes - these images, which you couldn't imagine in your most horrific nightmares - will just appear.
At first, I couldn't handle it. Now, several years on, I've learnt how to handle these flashbacks and fortunately they are a lot less common. If you happened to be talking to me in real life and I thought of something like this, I'd likely go a bit quiet but otherwise, I wouldn't hint at what is in my mind.
Why?
Because therapeutic as telling my story is, I do not wish to traumatise, disturb or scare those who are caring enough to read this or speak to me about the fires. It doesn't help me - it just makes me feel guilty. It certainly doesn't help you.
Three years on, the fact is, many of these images and events of the 33 days are so firmly locked away in my mind that I suspect I'll never be able to speak of them. I just can't. So I've come to peace with that.
So, graphic descriptions will be virtually non-existent and for the sake of those reading, I have nothing to gain discussing the physical facts of casualty handling and recovery - even though it was a part of my role.
I also want to be careful with this matter for personal sensitivity and respect to those who lost friends and loved ones. As an emergency services professional, I feel it is my duty of care to shelter - as much as possible - the community, from unnecessary trauma. This has nothing to do with covering my own identity - but is purely because the internet is a public forum. To discuss sensitive details that could - however slim the chance - be discovered by a family member - would, in my opinion, be grossly offensive, upsetting and traumatic - even given the casualty is not identified.
As a person who regards himself as a professional in this field - I can't do that. If I feel the need to discuss the graphic details at a later date, I shall do so with a counselling professional - possibly from within the fire service.
With regards to the above, I will from this point on need to be fairly vague to my exact geographic location(s). I will not be mentioning where I was operating, staying or or other details.
I have had one email from an occasional reader from interstate who asked me out of curiousity where I was operating as they had friends in the area. This, I am sorry, is precisely why I cannot say. It is a matter of privacy to those affected - and I also do not wish to provide myself as a source of potentially false information or open to such questions and assumptions that I must have been near a particular place. All I can say is, I was operating in direct response and combat to the primary destructive fire out of a number on this day. Please do not ask me any further specifics as I will politely have to decline answering.
Some subject matter I will touch on may be emotionally sensitive. Even though I'll be avoiding graphic material and descriptions, I will, for my own therapy, need to discuss some fairly emotionally intense matters - particularly when it comes to the discovery of casualties.
As I cannot know for certain what will be upsetting to whom - as a guesture of emotional protection to my readers - and to prevent further trauma - I will mark my articles that contain DIRECT references to discoveries of the deceased.
The marking will be as follows: "STRONG MATERIAL". If most of a post is clear of this subject but only one part affected, I'll leave that marking for later in the post - and when I get to it, I'll leave a paragraph space with that warning. At the end of the subject matter in question, I'll leave another paragraph space with the marking "STRONG MATERIAL CEASED" so you can skip the more emotionally sensitive paragraphs and read on.
If a whole post contains such direct references, I'll mark "STRONG MATERIAL" in the headline.
As I said though, the matters I want to discuss are more the emotional impact on myself. Thoughts, feelings, emotions, logic, actions and what I did. When it comes to the above, there will be little. I'll be much more focused on how I reacted to these matters as opposed to detailing them.
I just wanted to place this post though to warn those reading that as I progress, there may be occasional sensitive areas. It is your choice if you wish to read them or not.
But at the same time, I want to reassure you there will be NO graphic descriptions or material of casualties or places. I feel I owe that explanation so you do not feel uncomfortable reading on with the fear that you may read something you wish you had not.
Please, feel free to email me if you have any questions or concerns.
Thankyou again for taking the time to read this. You are helping more than you know.
Especially thankyou to the one special person I know is reading this. I won't name you - you know who you are. You give me the strength to carry on. Thankyou. xox
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